Photo Credit: Rusaplauke
Don’t get me wrong. I like goodies as much as the next person, but something about these particular suggestions for Christmas gifts touched me deeply. As a new convert to frugality and simple living, there just seemed to be something well, moving, about a $1500 watch winder or a $1000 fresh air cover for your Porsche…
But I get ahead of myself. Without further ado, here fresh from the friendly skies (and compliments of SkyMall) are my nominations for the first annual Greenie Granola Awards for Conspicuous Consumption:
No? Then what about thrilling your party goers (and the neighbors for three blocks around) with this be-oo-ti-ful blowup 120″ diagonal Airblown Inflatable Movie Screen. “Because EVERYONE can see it all on this big screen out in your backyard.” Inflates in minutes with two UL-listed inflating blowers. Comes with stakes, tethers, even a storage bag. Projector and speakers not included. BYOP? $250.00
For the business minded among us, I offer the next four GGCC Award candidates:
Got a bit of extra money you can’t wait to spend for the next Electronics Convention? Then you are sure to need, can’t do without, the Retractable Banner Pen. “Leave a long-lasting impression on potential customers.” “Your customers will always keep this pen!” Ahuh. And I’ve got a Bridge to sell you, too. But, hey, if you’ve got just $950.00 to spend, these, too, can be yours.
To entertain the cubicle crowd, what about a singing Elvis. What? Already got one of those? No, no, this one is special. Thanks to the technology of microchips, THIS singing Elvis can sneer and sing eight of the King’s best songs (Hound Dog, of course and Jailhouse Rock among ’em). “Integrated inrared sensors in his jacket detect ambient motion, prompting Elvis to say “Bring it on back now” as you walk by.
Wait, that’s not all. If you get tired of music, THIS Elvis can also deliver 37 monologues recorded by Elvis himself. AND has a karaoke feature that allows you to sing along. But wait, there’s more! The device also has an audio port for connecting an MP3 player, allowing you to play your OWN music through Elvis’s 10-watt speakers. AND there’s a remote. Ronco ain’t got nothin’ on this baby. Only $200.00
OK, already. Enough of the fun stuff. If you are REALLY serious about making an impression in the Board Room, what about a Marshmallow Bazooka shooter? And, unlike OTHER marshmallow blasters, this one comes with an LED sight that projects a beam of red light to help locate your target for accuracy. Watch out, Henry and Ben. Here we come! Only $25.00.
Under the banner of kitchen stuff we can’t live without, your gourmet chef is sure to want:
For the tea drinking aficionado, here is the ultimate tea-making machine. Seven separate temperature controls adjust water temperature precisely between 175 and 208 degrees F, and infusion time is set based on tea variety. A heated 24-hour programmable, 30 minute warming plate. Eat your heart out, chanayo fans. $350.00
For your Harley driving brother-in-law, what about a scowling (oops, make that scrolling) license plate that blinks a message to tell “the cutie behind you that you’re single” AND a remote to CHANGE the message when your sister drives by. $75.00
Or, if you are being a cheapskate this year, for his backyard, surely he’d love the Mt. Rushmore Garden Statue. “Your garden is a national treasure. And this seals the deal. Abe will look fabulous peeking above your pansies and neighbors will appreciate that they don’t have to road trip to the Black Hills to get an audience with the heads of state.” $40.00
Still not sold? Additional suggestions on the same page include a quilt broach ($70), the War Book ($50), or a genuine Baseball tote for only $50. “Be the hit of the season.”
And for that long-haired cousin that actually DOES like granola, I’ve got just the high tech thing: A feng shui compass that helps you “support favorable conditions at home or in a hotel room.” Right, like we’re going to move that king-size, bolted-down king bed at La Quinta? Only $400.00
For the more traditional among your spiritual friends, what about an Intentional Hoodie. I can’t do better than quote their own words about this one:
“These are not your ordinary shirts! These shirts embrace the body with over 200 positive words in 15 different languages. Research shows written words on containers of water can influence the water’s structure for better or worse. The human body is over 70% water.
We believe that these positive, loving and powerful words will have a profound effect on your entire being when worn on your own personal ‘container’ on a daily basis.” $80.00
Hey, works for me. If you have an enemy, can you do the same thing in reverse? Sort of a fleece-lined Voodoo doll version?
OK, I know you were waiting for these. Can’t leave out Bowser and Fluffy, right? Coming right up. Here are the BEST, the most spectacular entertainment ever invented for those slow afternoons when your pup has a play date over and YOU, lazy pet owner you, head off to the movies, leaving the troops in charge:
If they get tired of the doorbell, let’s mosey over to the couch. “No more chasing your dog off the sofa! Place this sensor where you don’t want your dog or cat to go. The slightest vibration triggers a brief, two-second alarm. Alarm resets and sounds again, as long as motion continues.” Cha-cha-cha, anyone? $30.00
And let’s not forget the kitchen where the fun is just beginning with:
But let’s not forget Fluffy. Jumping up to the counter she can dispense paper towels with a wave of the hand (err, paw). And precise, too. “Built-in optical sensor automatically identifies the perforations on the towel and stops right at the line, every time.” Again. And again. And again. $60.00.
And I haven’t even gotten to the pool cue that shoots a laser beam at the 8-Ball, or the alarm clock that awakens you to the roar of NASCAR. When you hit snooze on that puppy, the engine noise just sits there varooming away!
But enough. My plane has stopped circling Phoenix and we’re counting down for a landing. Electronic gear off. Tray tables locked and loaded.
If you want more, you’ll just have to rent the movie.